There were a lot of questions to ask myself. Am I too old? What will people think? Will it work? Most worryingly to me, what if I end up with nothing after years of paying a mortgage, building a career and making a life?
These were all important questions, but none of them were big enough to stop the feeling inside that I was meant for something bigger, something better, something more!
I had an overwhelming feeling that I was trapped. Trapped in a life I didn’t feel in control of. Waking up in the morning to the monotonous sound of a buzzing alarm clock. Getting ready for work, putting a smile on my face like it was a regular piece of clothing. Heading to work, looking in amusement, but mostly fear at everyone around me doing exactly the same thing, at exactly the same time, on exactly the same day. It was a frightening sight but eye opening at the same time; to see the world in front of me for what it was…
A drone army programmed to deliver their purpose day in day out without question. To continue duties regardless of external factors. To repeat each day as it was done the day before, in a timely and productive fashion. To complete each week, each month, each year using the same structure, striving for the same goals and fighting against the same barriers – To pay the mortgage. To own those walls! (What can you do with those walls anyway? Other than sell them to release money in 30 years? You may as well spend the money in the first place and forget the walls, right?)
I started talking to family and friends about my new found outlook on life and my attitude towards society and the ridiculous social norms it has inflicted on us all. I was not met with the best understanding in the wold… but more, amusement and concern! Being told ‘what a day dreamer you are’ and ‘this is just life’- This was certainly not just my life at all! I was not here on this earth to just pay bills and die!
Looking around the apartment I could see my dark wood Moroccan furniture, my dining room table, a home interior design, complimenting pictures, ornaments and a strategically placed ostentatious lamp, slightly angled to the left of my sideboard. Everything looked great. Just so. Nothing out of place. I had strived to mortgage my home and I had worked hard to build up my nice matching furniture collection and all my one off bargain pieces from TK Max and other places.
But what did any of it mean? What did this “stuff” actually count towards? Yes, I had a lovely looking home. A duplex apartment that was spread across 2 floors and it was finally finished, looking great, a home anyone would be proud of.
The truth was it just wasn’t enough. I started looking at my belongings like the ridiculous things they were. Pointless items placed at the right angle, in the right light to give the optimum aesthetically pleasing view to the eye. Were these things really for me? Did I actually want them? I had to be honest with myself… The answer was a very simple, No!
It was so that other people would compliment my taste. So others would see that I “lived well” in a tasteful home that would give any show home a run for its money. So that others could see how “well” I had done to achieve it.
So what did I want? Why was I living in a home which after being honest with myself was more for others to appreciate… What did I actually want from my life seeing as I had worked hard to get this home, life and career.
I wanted to be rich in memories. I only wanted “things” because they meant something. I wanted to live like it actually meant something… I wanted to travel and be free.